The Charmed Life

Let’s cross our fingers.

In a way I am glad that I’m done with this portion of the college application journey, but then again I can’t get rid of the constant paranoia that I might’ve done something wrong or that my essay could’ve been better. There is a reason why I applied Early to this place…BECAUSE I REALLY WANT IT. But of course that doesn’t mean I’ll necessarily get it.

I guess at this point, it’s just to wait. At this point, I just have to leave it up to the Big Guy upstairs. My only prayer is that whatever happens I just won’t get too disappointed or too hurt. If I don’t get it, I just have to accept it as a sign that I’m meant for somewhere else and that my path doesn’t meet Columbia’s.

December 15, 2010. THE BIG DAY. Look forward to a post THAT day. Haha.

One down, two more to go. The UC’s and the privates.

The fact that I have you as my friend brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy, thankfulness, love, and regret. Regret that I couldn’t be a better friend. You really are the only one that seems to care and seems to know me the best…sometimes even better than I know myself. I promise to make it all up to you. And excuse my sudden burst of emotion. Love you, Nita Minchainunt. Yours truly, Sarah Kwon (:

I’m not so sure about how I should be feeling.

Regret? Joy? Guilt? Motivated? Compassion?

Why is it that you always seem to catch me off guard, leaving me frazzled and breathless.

I don’t understand you. And in a way, I’m kind of reluctant to know. Where do we go from here?

Period.

Of writing.

Of coming home from work to another huge pile of paperwork.

Of lying to myself that I’m over you.

Of taking the blame for other people’s lives.

Of trying so hard in a class, and ending up in a pool of failure.

Of being unheard.

Of pretending that my life is high up in the skies.

Of feeling so empty and cold.

Of having to hold in my tears.

Of seeing your face.

Of being too nice.

Of being made into the idiot for trying to be nice or trying to be a good friend.

Of being unappreciated.

Of people taking the credit for the work they didn’t even do.

Of feeling stupid among my own peers.

Of feeling constantly like I’m in some competition whether it’s about grades, financial status, fashion, college.

Of feeling like my every move is being watched and being judged.

Of feeling compared.

Of feeling invisible and worthless.

Of staying up until 2 AM.

Of college applications.

Of deadlines.

Of having to sacrifice my time and oppurtunities for the welfare of others.

Of being responsibile for someone other than myself.

Of guilt.

Of regret.

Of friends that don’t even deserve the title of a friend.

Of trying to tell a friend about what’s going on with me but having the conversation just end up about how their life is SO much more worse than mine.

Of bad drivers in Los Angeles.

Of people who live for money.

Of people who don’t have an ounce of common sense.

Of feeling hungry.

Of being the excuse for YOUR wrongdoing.

Of being insulted.

Of working.

Of unsympathetic teachers.

Of projects and assignments.

Of SAT and Elite.

Of sharing.

Of being awake.

Of sitting.

Of memorizing.

Of reading.

Of school, period.

I just want to sleep for the next three days. I need to get out of here.

That keeps me away from the joys of life. That keeps me from being able to trust, being able to talk, being able to make myself heard, to love again.

Love. Seems like such an overused word. Overused and overrated. I never realized it until a friend pointed it out not too long ago, but I do have this constant doubt of love and the fact that it exists. It’s like I know theoretically there is such a thing, and that I’m “supposed” to believe in it all. But deep down I believe that it’s not true, at least not for me.

I guess I’m skeptical because of the risk of it all. The chance that I’ll get hurt, or even worse, the chance that someone else will get hurt and that I’ll lose a very valuable friendship. I’ve had that happen to me too many times, and not just over relationships but in general. It’s like I let someone in, but when I feel like the other person’s starting to open up to me, they just slam the door in my face. And I just can’t help but feel like I’ve been robbed. Robbed of trust, robbed of my secrets, robbed of my private life. And even the other way around. Most people would just tell me to stop being so nice and stop thinking about the other person, but I can’t help it. Even if my feelings for them are gone or that I’m just sick of them, unless they did something really bad like cheated, I can’t help but cry as well..for their pain. And it makes it that much harder to look at them the same again. And to look at myself the same again.

Yeah, I fantasize about my future husband and tell my girlfriends how nice it would be to have a boyfriend. But as much as I want it, I know it won’t happen. I just don’t believe anymore. It’s funny because even my own sister said that she can’t imagine me with guy, ever. I guess I could interpret it as in I’m such a strong, independent woman that I don’t need a man in my life and trust me I do embrace the single life, but then again it tells me something about how I view all this talk about love and boyfriends and marriage and whatnot.

Love has never worked out for me. It’s left too many scars in me and in others that were once dear to me, that I’m not willing to repeat history again.

My only wish is that someone will come along, and change my mind.

people who use the “n” word like it doesn’t mean anything. Do they fail to realize the derogatory significance of that word? Have people become that ignorant as to not care? Yeah, slavery and racism isn’t as evident as an issue as it was couple decades ago, but that gives nobody any excuse to call anyone or just say it in general even if it isn’t directed towards a specific person. This word doesn’t make you look cool, it doesn’t garner respect, it doesn’t make you look tough, it doesn’t make you look gangster, and it sure doesn’t make you look any better either. And of course these are the people who get offended when someone of not their race makes racism jokes or remarks about THEIR race. Talk about hypocrisy. People need to understand the impact of their words and actions, and even their thoughts. Next time you want to act like someone you’re not or use some word that’s “supposed” to make you look cool, how about you take a moment to maybe step back and realize that what you’re about to do might actually end up deeply hurting someone else. And even after that you STILL don’t see my point, then you have a major issue.

Why is it that no matter how much I get done, the work seems endless?

My sleep schedule is totally off. This is not good.

I take the effort to try and reschedule my life to satisfy all yours. I was the one that never missed out and made sure I was where I needed to be. I took the time to actually care about my performance and how my dedication to this entire team is a vital part of being a leader and role model. But what have you done? All you ever do is criticize and look down on everyone else when they screw up, but when you do, you make up pathetic excuses. I’ve given my time, my dedication, my patience, my effort, and multiple chances but you just disappoint me more and more. I say I can’t make it ONE day, and you give me pointless shit. When really I think it should be the other way around. You make such a big deal about how you have a life and how you have other things to do, when you’re the only one. I have things to do…much better things to do. I’m not going to keep on running to the end. There needs to be a compromise. You have to meet me halfway because I’m not going any further. If everything else fails, you can only blame yourself.

I highly suggest you take the extra time and look at yourself and all of us right now. Maybe your narrow-minded brain can begin to fathom the amount of trouble you’ve caused with your impatience, greed, and unsympathetic ways. Just know this: I’m fucking sick and tired of your criticisms and unappreciative ways. I’ve devoted my all to this group. And you’ve worked on my last nerve.

If we fail, you’re the one to blame. Next time, try and think about YOUR actions as a leader, and maybe…just maybe we can be a bit better. But I know you won’t even see it cause you’re so blind to it all.