Until today, my days were filled with endless hanging out and Christmas get-togethers and such so didn’t get a real chance to sit down with my parents and talk. But with both Jane and Sam gone off to retreat, I guess I couldn’t avoid it.
The three of us went out together today just running some errands but my mom was talking to me about my brother, Sam. He’s really struggling in school and she’s just at a loss on how to approach it and it’s making her worry if he’ll even be able to get into college, let alone get a job somewhere. I know she’s just going off to the extreme and thinking of worst case scenarios but I think after seeing it almost happen to my sister, she’s scared for my brother.
As much as I love that my mom can trust me with such stresses like that and that I’m like a friend to her, it does stress me out just as much when I hear about such struggles. I wish I could do more for her, for Sam, for my whole family. All I can offer is prayer. And while they might not see at first, I just hope that they will see how much I care and love through my prayers.
Also my dad. I don’t know if it’s cause he’s still recovering from the accident but I can’t help but feel that there’s this sense of tension between my parents. They don’t laugh like they used to. They don’t talk to each other like they used to. It’s just silence between them. Both with cringed faces showing a sense of discomfort. Maybe they’re just tired. Maybe my mind is just making things up. But I just can’t help but want to cry. It’s like the love they had just dried up. I know marriage has ups and downs, and yes I’ve seen my parents have their share of ups and downs, but the downs always kill me. I want to bring it up, but then again I don’t because it just doesn’t seem like my business. Until now I’ve always just ignored it cause soon an “up” would come along. But during those “downs” I just want to run away and scream. It’s not like they fight with each other but the tension is pretty heavy and I feel like I’m carrying all the weight.
But I know I can’t be the anchor for my family. I remember Andrea saying that and it’s ringing in my ears now. That was me for the past 17 years or so; attempting to be the glue in my family, the anchor of my family, the protector of my family. But I’ve always failed miserably because I failed to see that God needs to be the anchor in my family and in me.
Lord, I’m sorry I’ve been putting you off a lot these days behind the excuse that I’m too “busy”. I know that’s no excuse for you. But our family really needs you right now. Please be the anchor in my family and our individual lives. Help your love bring us together even more.
Love, your daughter.